Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un

As a child my aunt GJ was not my favorite person.
She was very austere, cold, matter of fact. The kind of demeanor you would attribute to a head mistress at a very strict boarding school..
From the way she dressed to the way did her hair her make up it was very practical, matter of fact.
She wore short natural hair, a little lipstick. Her clothing, plain and no descript, chosen for comfort and ease of movement not for style or vanity.

I don’t have any particularly fond memories of my aunt. All I remember is
that when aunt GJ came in I needed to speak promptly, sit or stand up straight, answer her questions with “ma’am” and not make to much noise.

As I grew up, I saw my aunt here and there at a few family functions but I never really developed a relationship with her.
Even as an adult the same rules applied, speak promptly, stand up straight and don’t make a lot of noise.

Recently my aunt has been in the hospital. I visited her on mother’s day and thought nothing more of it.
She was a tough old lady and had been in and out of the hospital for years.

Last night I got a text stating she was being rushed into the ER for emergency surgery.
Even later I received a call stating that Aunt GJ had refused the surgery, electing instead to spend her last days here comfortable and without being poked and prodded any longer and just like everything else in her life, calmly, practically, matter of factly;
she chose death.

After I received the news I immediately went in to “Oldest child” auto pilot.
I called my mom and dad, my sisters, sent a text to my bro to call me, called to find out visiting hours and varied other miscellaneous tasks.

When I finally made it home, my husband and daughter were both asleep it hit me.
Aunt GJ was dying.
Not In a few months, not in a few weeks, but in a few days.
Hospice and Pain Management have already been brought in.
Its hard to explain the feelings of loss you go through when a relative dies that you weren’t necessarily “close” to.
But contrary to popular belief, you do feel loss.

It’s a sad moment when you realize that your family will get a little smaller, when you realize that while you wont miss any daily calls or Saturday morning excursions, that person has been a part of your life, a part of your life that will be there no longer.
No longer will the thought of Aunt GJ cause me to stand up straight, to whisper or giggle quietly at the thanksgiving dinner table.
I will miss my aunt because she has been a part of my life, all of my life.
A constant figure in the background of my life, strong, solid now at the end.
As the saying goes, every one plays a role in your life. Everyone is not meant to have a starring role but the play wouldn’t be the same without the supporting characters.
My aunt was definitely a supporting character.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un
As surely as we belong to Allah, to him, we must return.

The Rise of the Internet Expert

Not long ago, a person had to have extensively studied in a field, devoted an endless amount of time to research and write lots of articles and books full of their research findings and extensive study to be considered an “Expert” at something.

It took time, effort, an intense desire to really understand the nuances of said field of study, it wasn’t something that happened over night.



Also not long ago, when writing a research paper, one had to go to the library, find the card catalog to look up big heavy leather-bound books of reference on the subject of choice, or nearly go blind looking at microfiche of old articles.

Then came the internet.

And now..

In order to be an expert you basically just have to.. declare yourself one.
And if you want to write a research paper? You can cite wikipedia instead of Encyclopedia.


Now a days, being a blogger for longer than 6 months makes you an expert and if you can get a book published? Hell you become…
Whatever is higher than an Expert.


Now Im not hating and most of the time the bloggers aren’t speaking as experts.
And of course being that common sense aint all that common, a lot of people are deemed prophetic because they have and write things that should be common sense.



But I have also run across a whole lot of bloggers that truly think they are experts.

I have witnessed “experts” mis diagnose people, or tell people to stop taking their meds, or stop listening to their doctors.
I have seen fools actually follow this advice to their detriment.

I have seen people actually break up with their significant other based on advice they received from a relationship expert.
Or stay with a dayum fool because of this advice.


Now don’t get me wrong, these people following the advice are obviously gullible and would take bad advice from anyone. That’s not really my issue, nor are the bloggers, writers, internet celebrities that have been “given” expert status

My problem is more the self declaration of “expert” status and the ease with which society, the media, yo momma, etc bestows the title with little to no justification.
And then we mindlessly follow suit.
Im not mad at Steve Harvey or Hill Harper or Jared the subway guy.

(Even though Steve declared himself an “expert on men not on relationships”)

Im more upset that all it took for him to be considered an expert was to write the book.
Im more upset at the people that bought the books and made it their relationship bible.

Im more upset that more people will turn to a blog or Web MD than to their doctor.


Im mad that people really believe Lyfe Jennings “statistics” are true statistics.

Anyway Im about to get off topic


Stop turning to these fake *ss resources for info, require a little bit more from your experts and please don’t take yourself to seriously as a blogger. Just FYI Blogger ≠ Expert. So for all the self declared experts, get it together. If you were a real expert? You might have something else to show for it besides a blog and wikipedia page.
That’s all I’m saying.


So what say ye?

Friday Foolishness : Even the weed man needs strategy

I am posting this a little early.
i suck about the posts but Its peak season at the plantation and between mid year reviews, peak season and life I havent really had to the time or inclination to post.
I have got to do better...

but here you go.

So I was sitting at home bored and decided to go visit my younger sister.
I ride out to her home and as I am pulling up I see her, dressed in dingy dark blue sweat pants with elastic ankles, white socks, gold bedazzled slippers, a grayish t shirt with a very lazy neckline, and multicolored headscarf, walking out the door.
She is on her way to the local tobacco shop, and tells me to hop in.
Instead of getting her normal 2 flavored (normally peach or mango) cigarillos’ she bought 4.
I commented on her surplus and she responds by handing me a flyer.

“Ladies trying to get lifted?”
See Tony for ladies only Wednesday specials”

WHAT?

“Yeah Girl, my homegirl hooked me up with her dude, He has weekly Wednesday specials for the ladies,
``
This week it’s a quarter for the 15.00”.


*record scratch*

WHATTTT!!
This fool is promoting and offering specials?


This has got to be top 10 hoodest hood shyt ever done in the hood (right behind my sisters going to store outfit).

I blame the wire and Stringer ‘im so muthaf!ckin fine” bell for this turn of events.

It could be worse, I guess.
I mean he could have weekend crack specials or 2 for Tuesdays crack and heroin pick me ups.

And I guess he has to distinguish himself from the other nickel and dime hustlas on the block
But its still hilarious to me.

And most definitely worthy of Friday foolishness….

Switching Teams..

I was going to write a “Friday foolishness” post about my terrible Friday.

That was before Lebron announced he was going to Miami and facebook and twitter went WILD.
People were upset and mad, others were talking bout how “Miami bet not have no new fans talking bout they been fans all along”. People trash talking, dayum near bout to come to blows over Lebron’s decision made me decide that maybe this was a little more foolish than the wreck I managed to have with myself and a median last week.


Look, I grew up with Michael Jordan. I LOVE. MICHAEL JORDAN.
Trust I understand, to a certain point how you can get wrapped up with these players, how routing for your team brings you joy and pain.
However one thing I have never understood was “team fans”.

Hold on.

Hear me out. The team, without the players, is nothing but a crest, some colors, and a city and while I understand if you rep the team of your city
Most people have a love for a team they have no other affiliation with.
They didn’t go to school there, they never lived there, never knew anyone on the team in real life, etc.

The team can have totally different players, coaches, front office etc from one year to the next and I actually think its okay for you to be a fan of a PLAYER and therefore your team affiliation (provided its not YOUR CITY) changes when the player changes.
I don’t have a problem with people who are Lebron Fans, now becoming Miami fans. It makes sense.
I was a Jordan fan, and I wanted to see Jordan win even when he was a wizard. I watched those games, no matter how painful it got…

I don’t call that bandwagon.

A bandwagon person just likes who’s winning. There is no rhyme or reason other than that.


So while I am not begrudging “team fans” cmon, your reason for being a fan isn’t better and doesn’t make any more sense than a person that is a “player fan”


I just don’t get it.
And Men say women are illogical.


The anger and animosity people have for “team switchers” etc is definitely some Friday foolishness to me.

And those people out burning their Lebron Cleveland jersey?

Imma need you to find some hobbies,

Get away from the “in crowd”

And get a close to GAWD.

Parched!!!!

The fourth was a great day. Until….
Let me explain
Me and the fam decided to do a bbq crawl instead of cooking at home.
We decided to go over to his aunts first and end the night with my parents.
We get to his aunts house and its on and popping.
Even though we arrived pretty late in the evening, there was still PLENTY of food left.
That should have been our first clue.
The hubby and I line up to fix our plates. Since I don’t do the swine, there wasn’t much to choose from so I keep it safe a hamburger, a chicken leg quarter.

SN. Ever noticed that the ONLY time a ninja will cook a chicken leg quarter is at a bbq?
You just don’t fall up on someone’s house and they frying or baking them joints…well unless they are old.

So I get the chicken put a lil sauce on it and stick it in the microwave to warm it up.

I fix my hamburger, a lil sauce, a lil slaw….and pick up a drank and take a seat.
I take a bit of the hamburger.
Its okay, not the best not the worst.
I take a sip of the drink and prepare for the chicken.
I take the first bite
It was a little crispy, I was like well maybe the leg is over done.
I use my fork to pull apart a piece of the thigh portion.
I put it in my mouth.
I swear before GAWD the chicken was on some Medusa shyt.
,IT was the driest piece of chicken known to man kind.
It literally soaked up all the moisture in my mouth and skin.
You remember that lotion commercial where the lady skin looked like a crocodile?
It turned me to straight stone.
It paralyzed me for like 5 full minutes.
Hell if we sent the chicken to Afghanistan we could bring the troops back TOMORROW.

I had to drink 2 Powerades and eat some banana’s to cure myself of the instant dehydration that chicken caused me.


I was physically assaulted by the chicken, hell I should have jumped up and slapped the cook and shot them in the knee caps in self defense.


And of course a mofo gone ask me
“aint that chicken good”

Friday Foolishness... Im Ill Rah, Rah... Im ill!

I went to Cracker Barrel for lunch with my co workers Tuesday.
If you’ve never been to cracker barrel please read THIS by brokey mcpoverty. She does a great job of explaining it.

So I ordered chicken and dressing. But they were out of chicken? WTF so I ended up with some type of fish and dressing and I had to choose another side.
Apparently old time cookery involves a lot of lard.
So I could not eat any of the vegetables on the menu except for carrots, which I hate.
The waitress informs me that the macaroni and cheese is really good so I take her suggestion.
So I had fish and dressing, and macaroni and cheese.
A meal just ripe for foolishness.


We leave the restaurant and go back to work. Everything is fine at first but about 2 hours later I hear a weird gurgling sound. It caught me off guard and my first thoughts was “who the hell is brewing coffee at their desk?”
I should have known something was wrong right then because the cognitive ability of my brain had obviously been compromised.
Finally, when a stomach pain reminiscent of labor took over my body I realized the gurgling sound Id heard earlier came from my stomach.
After the pain passed,
I sat up in my chair trying to figure out what was going on.
And then
The urgency of the situation hit me and I rushed to the closest restroom.

The fury of hell opened up and unleashed a terrible and unholy plague on that bathroom. The swirls hit and it was a dizzying round of Tevin Campbell proportions.
A round and round we go.


I had broken a sweat; I was weary and weak and just when I thought there was not one single solitary drop of liquid left in my body
The dry heaves hit.

Someone opened the bathroom door “yelled Good LAWD” and immediately left back out.
I tried to make it to the sink to put a cold towel on my face but the dry heaves rendered me unable to take a step.
I ended up sitting on the floor of the bathroom stall praying to Allah, Jesus and Moses.
Hell I even through in a
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo for good measure!

After the dry heaves subsided I picked myself off the floor and rush to my desk to grab my keys and my phone and hit the door. Several employees that sat near the rest room, looked at me with smiling, knowing eyes but I didn’t have time to comment.
I live about 15 minutes away from my job so I knew I had to act fast. I walked as fast as I could without running into the parking lot.
Of course I was parked at the far end of the parking lot. It was lterally 110 degrees and the lack of fluids, the stomach cramps, and the bubblies made the walk seem unending.
I had to concentrate to move as every muscle in my body was screaming at me “just give up and quit right here”.
When I finally got in the car and looked at the time I realize that I had to have been in the bathroom for over an hour.
I close my eyes start the car and continue my prayers as I could feel the rumbling and bumbling start up again.
My knees rocked back and forth as I did 60 mph in th 40 mph zones between my job and my home.
After what seemed like an eternity,
I made it home without incident by the grace of God.



So for the last couple of days I have been on a steady diet of water, crackers and vitamin water/Gatorade/powerade.


How has your week been

friday foolishness: Are those mints in your mouth or are you just happy to see me?

So sometime in the far, far distant past, I was very innocent and green.
One of my first “real” (one I had actual s.e.x with ) boyfriends took me to a “fun shop”.
I was totally new to s.e.x all together and definitely a lot of the stuff in the shop.
He keep making fun of me while I tried to figure out the how’s and the whys of all the buzzing gadgets and glass objects.
After about 20 minutes of being embarrassed, I found a safe zone.
The area in front of the cashier had lots of “gag gifts”.
Candy labeled as Erection pills, Spanish fly, penis shaped lipsticks, etc.
I decided to purchase a box of mints in a tin that claimed to enhance oral intercourse.
I paid that no never mind because at the time I was young and from the hood and believed that only a “certain” type of girl did “that” type of thing.

I stuck the bag of mints in my purse, proud that I managed to buy something out of the store without dying of embarrassment.

Fast forward about 2 weeks later and I was rushing from the café to a study session.
It was taco night so my breath was not at its best.
I didn’t have time to go back to my dorm for a quick brush and rinse so I searched my bag for some gum and found the mints.
I quickly popped 2 in my mouth.
They were strong as hell, like stronger than altoids.
My eyes started to water and the inside of my nose burned like hell. I then quickly chewed the mints and swallowed.
I kept walking and after a moment the intensity of the mints wore off.

As I walk into the study room, I feel a numb tingling in the back of my throat and my mouth feels a little more “moist” than normal.
I swallow, speak to my fellow study buddies and have a seat.
About 5 minutes later my friend taps me on the shoulder and says,

“girl are you slobbing?”

My hand immediately flies to my mouth and there was indeed drool present.
I try to say something only to realize that my tongue is numb. I swallow quickly and excuse myself.

I pull out the tin of mints and sure enough on the back of the tin are the ingredients, one of which is a numbing agent to assist with
“Deep throat”.

The tin also recommends ½ of a mint at a time.


So now my mouth is extra juicy, my mouth and tongue are numb and have to forcibly remember to swallow so I wont slob all over myself.

And of course you know on the way back to the dorm I ran into about 50 mofos that wanted to stop me and ask me about something.
I just had to point to my throat like I was sick and keep moving.

By the time I got to my dorm room the front of my shirt was wet because in my hurry to get back I kept forgetting to swallow.

Yeah. Nasty.

But for those that have that gag reflex? You might want to get you some of them mints…lol