Shay-D-Lady...a Day in the Life....

BasketBall Wives and irony....

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Tue, 22 May 2012 22:02:00 +0000

Okay so yall know I love the Basketball Wives.
I know its ratchet and the ladies are amped on 10 all the damn time but its funny and basically the ladies act out in ways we have been taught better than but Im sure many of us have wanted to do on more than one occasion . Okay ignore all that is grammatically wrong with that sentence but you get my point.

So I was watching and I witnessed the Tami and Keisha fiasco that took place on the last 2 episodes.
I am not going to go all in on Tami. She did handle the situation in a childish manner and she went way over the top with it.
I don’t have any sympathy for Keisha though because she is a throw the rock and hide the hands type of chick. She hyped up the whole fight with Kenya and Evelyn and relished in Kenya’s uncomfortable time in the hot seat.
Hey you live by the sword die by the sword. Turn about is fair play.. Karma is a bitch. Feel free to insert any other relevant quotes as you see fit.

What I find entirely ironic is the way the internets responded.
There were calls for boycotts and petitions being signed. Look I am not signing a petition for a grown woman making a decision to put herself in the cage with wolves. Im sorry, instigators and bullies are in the same boat in my opinion and I aint throwing not a nan one a life saver.
What tickled me even further is that many of these same twitterer’s, facebookers and blog commenters who were leading the charge regularly participate in mass internet bullying.
I mean I watched the internets get in an uproar and felt the same way I felt when Tammy talked about Keisha’s “childish behavior”.
The same way I felt when Evelyn cried over Tammy’s behavior but bullied Suzy out of Miami the first season.
She ran the chick Out of MIAMI! And turned her into this timid tell a tale spineless creature that vaguely resembles a woman.
Not to mention all of the plates and bottle throwing antics she has participated in since that time.
*Insert “ni%%a please face here*
These same anti bullying, anti ratchet peoples are the same ones
that go in on dumbest tweets for spelling and grammatical errors,
The same ones who will take a picture of someone’s kid and make it a trending topic (#youngstruggleface anyone?), the same ones who will gang up on a celebrity and @them rude shyt they will never say to their face (Remember the nude photo link of Brian White), the same ones that pride themselves on the number of “celebrities” that have blocked them because of this behavior.
These people *in my high pitched voice*
Now don’t get me wrong,
I loves me some dumbest tweets and ratchet gossip blogs and ratchet twitter comments and commenters. Hell most of my favorite follows are ratchet tweeters.
But lets stop living in the grey areas.
You cant twitter and facebook bully, berate and tirade and hide behind the “its just twitter, etc etc” excuse for ratchet mob mentality any more than Tami can defend her purse napping antics as doing a favor for Keisha.
Oh wait that did happen. LMAO
But anyway
We know what it is
And a spade is a spade
And ratchet is as ratchet does.
But hey these are just my thoughts.

Friday Foolishness:Gassed UP

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Fri, 04 May 2012 21:14:00 +0000

Yall might not know this, but in the past I have had some issues with anger management.
After a few skirmishes, some court ordered assistance and the wisdom that comes with getting older, I have learned to keep it under control.
For the most part
Its been a minute since ive completely lost my temper and really the only real way I get “hear the ocean” mad is when its about my child or my money.
So earlier this week my friend invited me to a redbirds baseball game. She had free tickets in her job’s suite and it seemed like a pretty cool little deal.
On my way to her house, my gas light popped on. Now look, I can put on a front and act like Im not “that black person”, but I am. I haven’t filled my tank completely up in like 6 years.
So I stop at the nearest Exxon to put my regular 15 (20 if im ballin) in the tank.
As It gets closer to the 15.00 mark I start playing the timing game, where you try to make the pump stop at exactly the dollar amount you want vs like 15.03
I try to slow it down and notice that the pump seems to be stuck.
I hit the cancel button when at 15.15 I realized it was in fact stuck.
Didn’t work, I hit the call button like 15 times only for the slow ass cashier to finally say “how can I help you” when the pump was at 25.76
I tell the attendant that the pump was stuck and ask her to h it the emergency shut off on the inside.
She tells me it cant be stuck and she is on her way out.
33.76
I tell her to hit the shut off first, but of course she completely ignores it and slow walks her ass to my car
48.97
By the time she gets out there and sees that its really f!cking stuck, we are at 55 dollars. She hits the call button and tells whoever on the inside to hit the shut off. At this point my car is full to the brim and gas is spilling out.
57.55
I am f!cking livid at this point. I asked the lady how she planned to deal with this.
She decides to tell me that basically most of the gas “except maybe like 2.00 worth” went into my car. So…
At which point I was like
So the f!ck what/
I didn’t want to 57.55 of your raggedy as environment ruining, seal killing ass gas and I don’t intend to pay for that shyt.
She tells me to hold on “I aint got to be cussing” at her
Which only served to make me even more upset.
So of course, I told her to shut the f!ck up because 57.55 is probably half of her damn pay check so in my shoes she would be just as mad and instead of standing in my face looking stupid she needs to figure out a way to run me my mutha f!cking money.
(look in hindsight I know it was wrong…. Like I know. But got dayum it!)
She then threatens to call the police
I then threaten to beat her ass in the time it would take her to call and them to arrive.
My brow and top of my lip are now sweating.
People are now rushing away from the gas station giving us either the “look at those black people being … black look (white people)” or the “why yall gotta act like stereotypical ninjas (black people) look.
She seems to at least think that I am serious (I don’t really think I was but who knows) and asks me what I want her to do.
I tell her to get the manager who of course wasn’t there, so we walk back inside where she calls him on the phone. We speak and he says he will see what he can do.
I make him aware that his best bet is to refund me at least half of the funds or I will be forced to dispute the charge at my bank.
He kind of hedges but grudgingly agrees and I give the phone back to old girl who is looking at me like “what the f!ck just happened here”.
I politely thank her , write my information down, take the managers name, store and phone # and walk back to my car and leave.
I think I am going to blame this all on basketball wives and bad girls club.
So people when is the last time you completely lost your cool? Or is it just me?

***hear the ocean refers to the fact that when I get really, really mad, my face and neck gets hot and hear this loud whooshing in my ears that sounds like ocean waves…

A wedding and a dayum near funeral

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 15:46:00 +0000

So Saturday One of my male cousins on my father’s side got married.
Now due to a lot of past issues; me and my dad’s side of the family aren’t all that close overall. But this particular cousin, went to high school with me and his sisters and we have always gotten along pretty well.
My father’s side is uber religious. All of them are members and active participants in a small church in North Memphis. Its an old school missionary Baptist joint where they still pass out the cardboard martin Luther the kang fans on Sundays.
Afterwards the whole family congregates over my aunt’s house. Now a ritual on this side of the family is for all prospective mates to come over and basically ask permission to be a part of the family by coming over every week, calling my aunt “moma” and the whole nine.
Apparently my cousin decided that this was not to be the case this time and while he has continued to attend church and bring his then girlfriend, now wife over to visit on holidays and such she didn’t become a “family girlfriend”.
So before the wedding there was lots of “he marrying this girl we don’t even know” even though he has been dating her well over 2 years.
Well apparently during the wedding planning process our side of the family felt excluded and as such were feeling some kind of way at the rehearsal Friday night. I wasn’t there but what I do know is the bride was a little frantic and said a couple of thangs out the side of her mouth that rubbed his sisters the wrong way and it was all she wrote. A huge blow up happened, complete with lots of cussing and threats all up in the house of the lawd.
Despite all of that, the wedding goes off without a hitch with my side of the family still feeling pretty salty. But satisfied themselves with showing up in scene stealing outfits (they were SHAAAP you here me) and throwing plenty shade and side eyes all up and through the ceremony.
We make it to the reception and the pot that’s been simmering all day is at the point of overload.
Basically, the wife decides to call my cousin (the grooms sister) and tell her that her (the wife’s) family has stated they (grooms family) were being very rude and she was not going to have that at her wedding and they needed to get it together.
Now I went through a similar situation with my husbands family and the wife should have really talked to her husband vs calling the sister directly. But oh well, you live and you learn.

Before my cuz could respond the wife hung up and it was on and popping from there.
I cant quite recall what exactly happened next. But I do know it was loudly exclaimed that the wife was about to get her ass whooped up out her “cheap ass wedding dress”
And also several threats of turning over the “cheese sandwiches” and shutting “this bullshit” down.
Another male cousin manages to round us all up and get us to the back in effort to come together. I tell my cousin that hey you know if it’s a fight we can roll, but we really should attempt to let her brother have his day.
What we don’t realize is that their brother (the groom) is in a side room right behind us talking to his wife and has over heard all of the conversation.
When we get back to the reception area basically they are on one side coming out of their shoes and all of us are on another.
I mean these people were about to go to war.
Finally my eldest aunt exclaims that she is not about to get shot dealing with these ghetto people (referring to the wife’s family, lol the irony) and decides she is ready to go. Well since she is from Chicago and didn’t drive she basically rounds up my other aunts, including the mother of the groom, and they decide to go have a more tasteful lunch at the red lobster.
After that there is a mass exodus of my family leaving the groom, the bride, her family, the cheese sandwiches and wedding cake.

I stayed for a while longer, congratulated them and got my wobble and electric slide on and had a piece of the wedding cake.

Like I told my cousin, well hell she is a real member of the family now.
So how was your weekend?

Friday Foolish The Brian McKnight Let me show you how that pu$$y work…

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 21:42:00 +0000

So the other day, facebook brought the Brian Mcknight video discussing his new song..
I skipped over it at first, because my Love of Brian has kind of waned since Anytime and I aint really been looking for him ya know? He is officially adult contemporary at this point and It aint really no country for old ninjas trying to get they sexy on in my life on a regular basis.

So I looked past it.
But throughout the day my gmail, facebook and twitter feeds were all abuzz about it. So I sat back put my earphones on and proceeded to listen to the most ridiculously ridiculous song I have heard in quite a while.
And trust, I know ridiculous

Now Im not by any means a prude. I like some raunchy stuff. In fact one of my favorite pickup lines is “f!ck wit ya boy” lol
So its not necessarily the language, it’s the vulgarity of the language set in a 55 year old soft a.s.s RnB joint.
Its like hearing your parents talk about s.e.x. You know they get it in but you really don’t want them discussing your mom’s squirting abilities while your around.
Im not sure what Brian has going on, maybe it’s a 2/3rd life crisis.
Maybe he was tired of getting old lady panties and groupie poontang.
Im sure his groupies are all “brian write me a poem,” and expected dinner and a movie. I can see how he got tired of that, wanted some of that Trey Songs groupie action.
He probably recently approached a young tender with his freshly coiffed Mohawk and dropped his name and she didn’t have a clue who he was
He probably had to sing on the spot and everything.. only for her to crush his feelings with “oh yeah, my momma like that song”.

Brian, Brian, Brian Ninja, some things you just have to admit you missed out on. And you sir missed out on this.
There is no excuse for this type of thing from you. You know better ninja, do it.
Be happy with your polyester full cut lace edged white diamond fragranced panties being thrown on stage
Show Bernadine how it works.
Know your audience dude. Seriously.
This is sadly,ridiculously hilarious.

Chicken... and Irony

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 15:58:00 +0000

So the other day I posted on my facebook page about the deliciousness that is Uncle Lou’s fried chicken and biscuit. In the past I might not have done this but through The PBG and her awesome blog, I have decided that dayumit Chicken is delicious and I don’t have to be afraid to eat it or to talk about my love of chicken.
All people love chicken and regardless of the stereotype associated with it, I am no longer afraid to say I am black and I like chicken.
All chicken not just baked or grilled or only the breast but fried, greasy chicken.
I digress
Anyway, the following day my co-worker, who happens to be *whispers like we do when we discuss race* white, mentions in a “joking” manner that my post was quite stereotypical, in case I didn’t know. I told him that in fact it wasn’t, that the love of chicken is universal and is not a black thing and that thought process is stereotypical. We go on to discuss this back and forth when my other co worker,*whispers* who happens to be black, states that most of my tweets and facebook posts are stereotypical. He says “in fact your posts an tweets are the Epi Tome” and he pronounced it as I wrote it *ep e tome (like tone but with an m) ” Of stereotypical black statements. Now I stopped and looked to see if he was joking. He wasn’t. So the *whispers* white co worker repeats it and said.. do you mean “epitome”? To which the *whispers* black co workers says, What you mean it’s not “ep e tome” And I responded “no its not and you really should know better”. You have a Master’s degree. Now he gets upset and goes on to explain how he hasn’t taken English in years, it wasn’t required for his Master’s and that in fact I was going too far because his mispronunciation is not a negative reflection on his Master’s degree.
To which I say, 1 the fact that you were criticizing how stereotypical I am online while mispronouncing epitome is hilariously ironic.
Second, umm I’m sorry but epitome is a pretty common word amongst adults and yes the fact that you were not aware of how to pronounce is not necessarily a negative reflection of your degree as much as the expectation is that a person with an advanced degree would and should know how to pronounce epitome. He gets mad and said I always go to hard. LOL which I mean look my motto is if I don’t come for you, don’t come for me.
This is what happens typically. LMAO I still find the whole exchange funny

What say you?
**edited to add I have no idea why this posted without paragraph breaks.

***ok i figured out the page breaks. today but i cant remember where i put them originally....

Friday Foolishness:the not so very smart edition

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 22:00:00 +0000

So today I planned to tell yall about the giant bionic cockroach that attacked me in Logan’s on Thursday.
I literally jumped across m both on to the next table, fell and scrapped my knee.
However more foolishness followed.
Today while thinking about the post I was going to write instead of actually working, I realized that I had an appointment at 10.
So a normal morning for me includes running in a the absolute last minute, signing into my computer, checking facebook, checking twitter, go to the café to get breakfast and then leisurely read my favorite blogs, one of which is “Very Smart Brothas”.

So considering that I was running late… well later than usual, and my refusal to alter my morning schedule to accommodate said lateness: at about 9:55 I see the reminder for the webinar.

Now because I work for a fortune 500 co that loves its technology I am required to have a certain number of webinars a month.
I typically use the webinars to negotiate price and that way I can present, explain and have the customer sign all at the same time.
I have 2 monitors tied to my tower. I am sure there are a myriad of ways that I can use 2 monitors but basically I use one to surf the internet and the other to work.
So I email my client a link to the webinar and the pricing proposal.
Once I see that he has signed in to the webinar, I pull up the proposal, clear my throat mentally prepare myself for the switch to professional mode and give him a call.

I introduce myself ask how his day is going and if he is able to pull up the pricing proposal.

He is cordial enough, tells me his day is going well and that yes he has the proposal up.

I ask if he is able to see my screen and if the information looks the same as the proposal he accessed
To which he replies
Well, no it doesn’t, Your screen says something about “what’s your cringe worthy fantasy and has that chicken lady from the commercial on it”.
*Cough*
Yeah.
I apparently forgot to set the screen that I wanted to be viewed during the webinar and it defaulted to the screen I use for “web browsing”.
*sigh*
All I could do was laugh extremely hard and he started laughing as well.
I apologized told him I needed a moment to get myself together and then we proceeded.
Yeah, It was definitely a “shaydlady” day today.

Artistik Approach... my infatuation

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 21:50:00 +0000

yall I have to tell you about my new obsession.
Artistik Approach!
What is that you ask?
It’s a musical group here in Memphis, Tn made up of 2 dope individuals, (each a great artist in their own right but so awesome together my head almost exploded).
Siphne and Brandon.
Siphne is a singer and beat boxer and when I say she is something serious? I mean like dougie fresh but a woman who can sang her ass off and therefore all the more awesome.
And then there is Brandon.
So. Before we go further let me just tell you that I have fallen in love with his voice.
When I first heard them it was at my friend Catherine’s “I have a dream fest” . A local artist showcase that she put together to launch her CLE management imprint.
The show itself was really good. It had to be because I enjoyed it and I am typically not an underground artist type of chick.
Like Im the one that gets mad when artists sing songs I dont know or sing songs differently from the original recording.
Im all about the sing along.
I like my music to be vetted ya know what im saying??
So when I heard them do “killing me softly” I was amazed by the singing and the beatbox. I mean Siphne is IN f!cking CREDIBLE.
I was so wowed by Siphne I really didn’t pay much attention to Brandon. Well that and the fact that I was trying to be cute and was wearing my contacts and not glasses and couldn’t really see worth shyt.
Ahem.
Well anyway, Fast forward a couple of months and the hubby and I went down to a spoken word set called “the word” at a local club here in Memphis. Again to support one of Catherine’s endeavors, So GIV (awesome charity, click on the link and check them out) (and Yes That chick CAT? is a busy busy bee. I m almost convinced this chick has a clone) (meanwhile what is the proper way to add parenthesis to an already parenthesized statement?)
(I believe the correct thing would be to make one or several of those statements regular ass sentences but its my blog and I do what i want cause I'm a G and this is another parenthesis).
Anyway.

While at "The Word" Artistic Approach performed.
Brandon sang “All I want is you” by some dude and J Cole. He sang it acapella with a Siphne beatbox interlude.

You know how on cheesy romantic comedies they always like zoom in on the face of the person and to show how the whole world stopped existing save for these 2 people?
Like Brandon’s voice did that for me.

It really connected with me. I mean I was scrunching my shoulders up like I was hitting the high notes.
His voice is like….
Coffee with the perfect amount of sugar and cream. Not too sweet no too bitter.. smooth with a kick.
His voice makes me think of “chillin”
Barbeques and picnics and playing ring around the rosey.
Making flower necklaces and eating watermelon on the front porch.
Summertime and sunny days and shyt.
Or sitting watching a movie with your dude, legs stretched out over his lap getting a foot massage, or neck rub.
Just chillin.
So you know I have been facebook, twitter, google stalking them.
There Website is here check it out
And they have some awesome youtube videos as well as a facebook page
Artistic Approach is like a musical voltron; an awesome fusion of hip hop, jazz, soul, R&B that battles wack ass music everywhere.
They remind me of the Manhattan transfers; well if the manhattan transgers were black and young and urban and hip hop. And only 2 people

Anyway. Check them out. They are HOT!!!!

*sidenote Cat said this makes me sound like a stalker and considering she is the expert on cyberstalking I want to let it be known that I am not sittng outside of their homes and going all Eminem Stan...but I do love there music.

Trayvon

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 17:49:00 +0000

so today it was on my heart to write.
I havent written in months.
and im by no means a poet.
not even sure if it qualifies but I wanted to share...

I look in your face and I see
The remnants of features
Once lauded as majesty
The tilt of your chin
The breadth of your nose
I look in your face and I see
Hope
And the inner knowledge that
You can do and be anything
King
What you were born to be
But slowly
The reality of life
Of the true American dream
Slowly
Steals pieces of you
I see the smile
Lessen
The chin descend
The slump in once proud shoulders
I see the doubt creep in
Stealing your essence
The nothing
Attacking at your very spirit
And I see the rage
The anger that begins to fill the void
The hope
Tuned to less
You Hope less
Me Help less
To stop
And the circle begins
And I look at you now
And know this
But I don’t love you less
And as I pull you close
And whisper words
That in the future will fall on
Death ears
I say
I love you
And remind you
That you are
King.
Hoping that in this instance
Your kinglike presence
Wont be cause
For your paupers
Death.
#trayvon.

We all in the same gang!

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 23:08:00 +0000

So during the holiday season there was not much “work” going on at work. We spent a lot of time discussing important issues like Yandy Vs Chrissy on love and hip hop, Is Nancy Jones a crack head and the necessity or lack thereof for 3D televisions.
On one particularly lazy day we discussed the phenom that is the Jordan throwback release.
Many of my co workers immediately turned their noses up and made statements about how “they need to spend their money better” and that’s hwy “they are on welfare” and “living check to check” and they don’t own anything and never will.

Okay. I know that Jordans are a “hood “phenomenon but statistics show most of us are living check to check with no liquid or ownership of assets. WE don’t own our houses, our cars and we don’t have the 6 months worth of bills cushion in our savings account that is recommended by most financial planners.
Yet many of us educated new negroes don’t think twice about 50.00 brunches, 50,000 luxury car and shoes and purses well above the going rate for new Jordans. We want to believe that the fact that we have careers and salaries above the poverty line makes us different and we justify our choices as “investments” more so than frivolous spending.
It doesn’t.
I’ve noticed that the new young, black “middle class” loves to look down their noses at ‘them” in the hood and sometimes its deserved but a lot of times its not. Many of us are only 1 or 2 paychecks away from being at the food stamp office.
It wasn’t hood folks borrowing above their means and buying houses they couldn’t afford.

Im just saying, a bad decision is a bad decision regardless. Just as check to check is check to check regardless if its 8.25 an hour or 60,000 a year; If you miss that check you both are in the same position.
Assed the f!ck out.

Lets Try This Again....

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 19:34:00 +0000

So the last year has been crazy for me . A new job, marital stress and trouble, sadness, death, life and plenty of crazy in between.
2011 was most definitely a year of change for me. And I plan to keep moving forward in 2012. I have realized that I tend to not push myself. I have gotten by on doing just enough and that habit is starting to catch up with me.
So I'm going to start again this year. I am going to write more, to do more and push myself harder. I also plan to learn how to properly gangsta walk in stilettos.
Its harder than you think.
I have several tough decisions that need to be made in the coming months and I think blogging will help me clear my head to make better decisions.
The first of which is whether to do points plus or nutria system ( I am not a Mariah fan so no jenny craig).
I'm thinking I can follow the points plus weight watchers plan and use nutrisystem food.
Then Ill lose double the weight!!!!

Anyway, I hope you guys had great holidays. I will have to tell you about the holiday performance of my pimp/rapping cousin in Friday foolishness.

Friday foolishness: My blog Writing

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 13:42:00 +0000

Yall. *sigh* I have just been being a ...ninja
I dont have no reason not to be writing. Like for real. I have had all types of foolish shyt pop off recently. I dont work late anymore.. Ive just been being trifling.

I am just chilling right now. Really not doing much. I was doing really well with my diet and exercise (umm am I the only one that likes to add a "c" after the x in exercise?..oh)
but then I took the kiddie to Panama Beach, Florida and blew it out the water..literally.
I mean I dont even eat much red meat but I had a burger from Flamingo Joe's....
let me just tell you.
It was blackened...melted provolone cheese, grilled shrimp, sautee'd mushrooms and turkey Bacon!!! on this hawaiian king bun..
LAWD Im sure that alone was 3,000 calories.
I am also trying to release myself from the devil that is tequila.
it is my new recent drink of choice. For the longest I thought it was only for crazy white people.. but its not.. its a magical elixir that provides fun for all!!!
I am glad at least that I found it in my more mature 30's cause the fool that i was at 21 would be in jail on that tequila.
However it is dangerous.. Vodka puts that "s" on my chest but Tequila makes me happy. 2 happy.
ur ah.. other than that. I aint got shyt else for ya today. Imma try to hold mysel to at least 4 posts a month min.
but yall know how I do.

Friday Foolishness: I QUIT THIS B!TCH!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 15:09:00 +0000

Its Friday and guess what?
I got some real for real foolishness for ya.
Okay, ive told yall before about my hood affiliations. And if you know anything about the hood and hood folks of the south, you know that they love two things, God and Lottery.
Now, my sister’s guy is the epitome of hood. His family is the family everyone thinks of when you think of hood. Big boisterous, flashy, rowdy, rough, and plenty mo adjectives.
They firmly believes in that lotto.
The buy scratch offs and powerball tickets religiously. Many a holiday is spent drinking, playing spades (of which I am the queen of running the table FYI) and discussing what they gone do when they hit them numbers. And What is the first thing they all want to do when “them numbers” come in?
Quit they muthaf!cking job. That’s right.
Now I aint saying nothing wrong with that. Im pretty sure if I fell up on 10 million bucks or so I would be tossing the deuces, singing and doing a Chris Brown dance routine out the door on that a$$ as well; and I like my job.

(umm for those of yall unfamiliar, this is a bit of foreshadowing right here)

So yesterday everything is going normal. We get up, we go to work, and around noon ish the powerball numbers are announced.
I don’t play and I was in training so ya know im doing what I do (which involved drawing smiley faces on my training manual) when my cell starts to go off back to back I get a text message from my sister saying “I need you to call me ASAP”
I discretely (well as discretely as I could, My ringer was on lol) step out of the room to take the call

“B!tch Guess what????
“What girl, im in training”
“XXXX done hit the dayum powerball”
“WHAT”
“YES im dead serious”
So I tell her on my break I am going to see how much it is, how to cash it in etc and hurry back in the room.
An hour later, we break for lunch.
I call my sister to see what’s up. If they had the info or still needed it.
Apparently, they no longer needed.
In the hour since I had last talked to her.
Her boyfriend, had gotten excited. Called his family and told them they were winners.
They rolled down on the job to pick him up.
He walks packs his shyt up and tells them he off.
The Boss was like.. uh where the hell you going?
To which he responded “ I quit this bitch’
He grabs his shyt. Throws the deuces, literally and slick might have pushed some shyt off a desk on his way out.
He and his sister then proceed to hold hands and dance around in a circle in the parking lot.
Praising and worshipping . The sister is reportedly overheard saying.
“I just prayed for a new car, GOD did that shyt”

They roll car full to the place where they cash in the ticket. The playing Jeezy, putting on for they city.
Get to the spot. Hand in the ticket.
The cashier congratulates them on winning.
Puts the ticket in the drawer and hands them…..
7.00.
Huge Record Scratch

7.00
SEVEN.

This fool done quit his job in grand fashion. The family done danced and prayed and got jiggy with it.
For 7.00
Seven.

You can learn a lot from a dummy.

Now Im not familiar with how the powerball works but he didn’t hit all of the numbers only like 5 of the six? And then several others had 5…
Next time. Imma need them to wait till the cash is IN Hand to act a Dayum Fool.

Soooo what say you? any foolishness to share today?

just peeping in

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Fri, 27 May 2011 18:02:00 +0000

Hellooo out there!!!

its terrible that the one of the last posts I wrote was about writing more this year and twenty-leven months have passed with no post!

Well thats life and there it is.
I have had a lot of "life" going on. I moved, i got a new job with much better hours, and have been really working on me.
I hadnt realized how depressed I had become. I dealt with so much death in the last two years that I had been swallowed up.
my sister in law passed in a car accident this past March and I reached a breaking piont! literally.
I had retreated so far into myself that I was almost unrecognizable.
I distanced myself subconciously from all of my friends and family afraid of more loss...
but then through zumba and one of my daughters grief sessions, it hit me.
So now i am working on getting back to me.
losing weight, rebuilding the relationships with those I love.
rebuilding the relationship with myself.

Ive had a hell of aride so far and while Im not going to say Im all the way back.
there will definitely be some posts here and there.
I got PLENTY of foolishness to write about including the retelling of the great chokout of 2011 (courtesy of my cousin @niasmomma on twitter) and the epic who got served battle my brother had with a pimp named smokey at this hood club.
and when I say EPIC.
Trust and believe. It was epic.

But anyway. I hope this finds ya'll well and still vaguely interested in what I have to say.
see ya soon...

I'm not your superwoman.

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 03:08:00 +0000

Now, in case many of you are not aware, I am a black woman.

Not just a black woman, but a black woman from the inner city, raised by a strong black momma who kept everything together. A black Macgyver, that could pull a 3 course meal out of scraps, gubment cheese, crackers and rice
I have lived a large part of my life emulating her.
That means I have tied my cape on and come to the rescue of all of those I hold near.
Its not necessarily a bad thing.
Till you look in the mirror and realize the last 5 years of your life has been spent saving everyone EXCEPT YOU and falling just short of really saving the ones you tied the cape on for in the first place.
Because you wanted to save them more than they ever wanted to save themselves.

And now what?

I look in the mirror and barely recognize myself. Wondering where the hell the last 5 years of my life went and why this pimply faced chic is calling me “ma’am”.

I have got to realize that every one‘s problem is not my own. I need to stop getting so worked up about shyt I have absolutely no control over and stop trying to save people that don’t want to be saved.
I need to retire the cape.
Hell yall saw what happened to superman II he went crazy and created a whole evil alter ego that he then had to go to war with.
I already got the evil alter.. so I know I need to get it together.

Hell and that means admitting that I don’t have it all together.
Right now my life is like a puzzle purchased from the clearance aisle at Big LOTS;
Its missing a few pieces.
And I have to put the rest of my life together to figure out what its missing

I know Im not the only one that feels the that I have to be the one with all the answers, afraid to lay my burdens at someone else’s feet.
Well my burdens are down by the riverside chile and
I aint in no ways ti’ed.
Swing low
Wait a minute.
Im all off track.
Anyway.
I gotta put the cape up.
Or only tie that thang on to save myself!!!

Its a NEW YEAR!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 03:27:00 +0000

Happy NEW YEAR!!!

So far my year has been pretty good. I had an interview with the school system.
It went pretty well and Ive moved to the next stage.. YEAH for next stage.
Now to get my alma mata to release my damn transcripts.

I start my pole dancing class on Saturday. We will see how that goes, I asked the lady if there was a weight limit cause if I get up in there and that damn pole break don’t be looking at me. She assured me that there wasn’t and they are extra sturdy. I still think it’s a trick to get you tube footage but we will see and if I do see some youtube footage of my wide as struggling like a beached whale to hold myself up on a pole...
Back off,
just backoff...
Im leaving my firestarting ways back in 2010. Anyway,
Its something new and fun and a way to get back intouch with the “woman” in Shay.

Dressing to cover my ample assets, doing a female superwoman, docile bespectacled demure professional woman by day and sexy tempting temptress by night has played its toll on my inner sexxay.
Lets just say, there have been a lot of nights the tempting temptress has been covered in footed onesies or flannel pjs wth kittens.

So the pole dancing will hopefully tone up this pouch and help me continue to bring sexxay back in 2011.
Im trying to be like my twitter inspiration “@intespionage” (pssst. Check out her blog “here”. I love it. Its real and gives real life advice. I have been thinking of doing a weight loss component to my blog..
But I don’t know if I’m willing to get all the way open like that with yall….. just yet.

But anyway.

So far 2011 is shaping up into being a year of change for me.

How’s goes it for you guys?

i wish, i wish, I wish

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 20:31:00 +0000

Okay people, my new year’s resolution is to blog more consistently in the New Year.

I’m determined for this to happen.
A lot of times I have shied away from topics or opinions that I know will inspire controversy.
I am not looking for a lot of followers or attention here; it’s my personal space to have my voice and my say.
But since I aint never been scared in real life It doesn’t make sense to be scared on the internet.

In the day of internet thugging and e beef, where most conversations are had in 160 characters or less, many things can be misunderstood, and with so little room for detail the generalness of social media allows others to fill in the specifics with their own issues and experience.
We all do it, and I shouldn’t run from that on my blog. It’s my job to fully flesh out my ideas and be prepared to defend them.
If I can’t… then should I really hold those ideals?

I also need to just sort out something’s. I mean life is full of change and I know I need to make some but I have been stuck in a rut.
I need to get out and make that change.
Yes. Im talking bout the man in the mirror.

Im overstressed, under paid and under appreciated. The plight of the black superwoman.
I need to tie my cape on and save my damn self.

I mean really. When I hear about employees that go postal, where I used to be appalled and wonder “why would they do that”, now, I think of how they could have done it better…
I understand exactly what happened and why.
Scary.

Where I used to look into the future and see great things, now I see that I am distinctly at a crossroads.
That I have to choose my path now or risk being the bitter lady in the muumuu on hoarders whose children never visit and all I have is the stench of rotting garbage and old pet carcasses to keep me warm.

Sobering thoughts.

I want to see the world, have good credit and nice furniture, you know real furniture that I didn’t buy from a holiday sale at value city.

I want to finish my sure to be a best seller book.

I want a lot and now I need to be willing to put a plan in place and take some action.

The time is now.

And as soon as I think of something to rhyme with 2011, I will have my new mantra for the new year.

it wouldnt be a Shay-d-lady Holiday.....

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 19:30:00 +0000

Thanksgiving went well for my family!

Aside from a minor mishap where my husbands sister tried to break up our happy home by persuading him to bring a pain of pork filled lasagna into the house….

The pimp left the ho’s at home and came dressed in regular ol civilian clothing.
The my aunty kept the experimental food networking to a minimum and there were no strange dishes with feta and cranberries any where in the vicinity.
There was no cuss outs, no fights, no guns pulled.
And the Tequila was flowing freely.

We had a great time.
I visited my Dad’s side of the family, (who are like THIS with GOD and Jesus and therefore pretty uptight)

And although we did have a rousing debate about the healthcare reform bill it was still all good

The day was almost as close to perfect as it could be…

Until.

It was raining. I had a shytload of plates, my purse, and I was on the phone recounting the nights events with my brother and sister…
When I stepped out of the car, my boot slipped on a leaf.
I had to much stuff in my hands to try and re balance myself…

And I fell. In the rain, on my knees. Lol

And my phone slid under the dudes f150 extended cab.

Of which I had to lay flat on belly, in the rain, with 2 throbbing knees

To get my phone.

I lsick got pneumonia and scarred knees… meaning I am going to have to find darker tights for the dress I plan to wear to see Kevin Hart tomorrow night.

But the phone is good. And my knees, though stiff and scabby are all good.

Hopefully the dirt will come off the front of my jacket….

So how was your holiday?

pimpin, panderin...and preachin?

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 03:25:00 +0000

So yall know one of my bestest cousins passed last week.
After I got “the call”. I rushed to the hospital to make sure my aunts, mother and lil cousin were ok.

When I got to the hospital it was very quiet. You could tell that everyone was still in shock, attempting to process the quick procession of events that led to my cousin’s death.
Minutes passed and all that could be heard was the humming of the mini fridge,
The clenching and unclenching of teeth, hands, Kleenex and a muffled sniffle here and there.

I was trying to prevent myself from crying by counting the squares created by the intersection of the tiles on the floor.
I was concentrating so hard on the tiles that I didn’t hear the door open, instead I saw the shiny leather pointy toe shoes of which I can only guess where made by “Stacy Adams”.

I slowly look up and see a well dressed man with severely creased black “church pants”, sports jacket and traditional collar of the clergy.

He smiles and introduces himself as “chaplain chris”. I notice immediately that he has a gold tooth with an L engraved and immediately started trying to guess what the “l” was for.

I am going to assume it was for the lawd.

He then asks if there is anything he can do for us. My aunt is to stunned and choked up to speak so my mother tells him that we have a pastor coming but if he could say a few words for us in this time of need.

He says no problem. He clears his throat and begins what turns into a 6.5 minute long
Offer of “condolences.”.

He starts traditionally. You know, the “Ye as they walk through the valley of death”. Then he goes off the path. Lord, take this mother, who is grieving, lift her up lord, let her know that you don’t make no mistakes lord, that you through your infinite will lord made this decision and its all in your hands lord, Let her find comfort lord, Let her find strength, Let her grieve but know that her daughter served a special purpose, let her know…..

And then when your done with that Lord, take this son, lord that’s standing so strong and faithful, let him know that..etc, etc, etc

And when your done with that lord take this cousin… and he continued till he touched all 5 of us in the circle.
But when He got to my mother, He apparently decided that she needed a little extra because her prayer was something like….

“and when you’re done with that lord. Take this aunt, this strong, beautiful aunt, and let her know how very, very special she is. That her love and beauty is shining strong as the backbone of this family, let your love protect and guide her lord, Let her realize how truly special she is lord, …..

WTF? And my momma just eating it up. “Oh that was a good prayer” . We thank you so much…
So much…
\First of all My momma aint even Christian.

Second of all, the Lord does work in mysterious ways cause my daddy is a damn fool and on this day he happened to have had dental surgery and was doped up on pain killers or it would have gone down with the chaplain in that room!!!

And then right after the prayer, he grabbed my momma’s hand and looked deep in her eyes and said.. and I kid you not he said…

“ you are, somebody”

Ninja if you don’t get yo ass up out of my momma Face!!!!!!!!!!! With that reckless ass D+ pimpin?

Ninjas and flies I tell ya…

For My Cousin

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 01:37:00 +0000

I tried to write a poem today
To express in one dimension
Someone who lived life in all three

I tried to put on paper
The sorrow that grows larger in my chest
Blocking my throat as the tears burn
The back of my eyelids

I try to rhyme the words that reveal
The guilt that trails behind me
Like gretels bread crumbs
Small clauses of
“if only I would have”
And “maybe if I “

Crumpled, torn phrases
incomplete
thoughts
pointing straight to my heart

I try to articulate
Without cliché’s
The warmth of your smile
The music in your laugh
The Goodness of your soul
The size of your heart

try to recapture
The essence of you
to fill the blackness
to close the void
left by your death.

I tried to write a poem today
But all I did was cry...

Love forever and always… RIP Cousin

For Colored Girls..who have considered this movie when the play was Enuff..

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 01:56:00 +0000

So I went to see for colored girls this afternoon. I knew I would see it from the moment I heard about it.
For colored girls the novel/choreopoem/book of poems was a transformational novel for me.

I didn’t come to know this book in high school or through a college literary requirement.
After what I can now call openly and knowingly, without guilt or shame “Rape”, I was depressed and spiraling out of control and came across this work in the library.
Do you remember how Bastian found the “the never-ending story”? It was in much the same fashion that “For Colored Girls” found me.
As I turned the pages I was able to find myself, my strength, in the pain and the beauty of those words.
I was able to recognize that while I was bent, I was unbroken and while I hurt I could also love and experience Joy and that I still deserved to be loved.

Suffice to say, I was ecstatic when I heard the poem would be made into a movie. Ive never actually seen the play performed and I longed to hear the words that had echoed inside my own head, in my own voice so many times, said with passionate craft out loud.

And yes I knew from the beginning that Tyler Perry was directing it.

So today I saw the movie.

And I wasn’t disappointed. But I also wasn’t entirely pleased. Tyler Perry turned For colored girls into a modern day, Women of Brewster Place.
Its not necessarily a bad thing...as far as the movie watching experience is concerned. The movie delivers some breathtaking performances and I got to hear some of the poems that resonated most deeply with me, delivered by talented actresses.
The moments when this cast of talented actresses were delivering the actual words written by Shange, were magical and for the most part Tyler’s 1 dimensional writing, while definitely jarring contrast to the lyrical complicated beauty of Shange’s poetry; wasn’t a major detractor for most of the film,until you get to the over the top over dramatic stereotypical story line for Janet Jackson’s character.

At the end of the day, this is to date Tyler Perry’s best work (I know what you’re thinking). There were some great moments in the movie and for every time he failed to integrate Shange’s work into his heavy melodrama, there was a moment where it worked perfectly.

However I will say that after reading Shange’s work I closed the book feeling empowered, enlightened and revitalized inspite of the hurt hurled at me as a “colored girls’
Tyler’s work doesn’t impart that same spirit. He was able to put a voice to the pain, but not the joy and kinship between women and that is the backbone of Shange’s work. At the end of the play these women aren’t reveling in the joy of being a “colored girl” but are scarred, hurt and barely standing.
Possibly still considering suicide.
Apparently in Tyler’s work, the rainbow was not quite enuff.

But overall even with all of that I recommend the movie on the strength of the moments when it worked.

.

WHAT IN The Devil???

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 02:36:00 +0000

What the F~CK is THIS?

Like for Real MC Hammer?

Umm if this is truly a representation of "GOD" soldier fighting against the Devil..
i might have chosen the wrong side.

Like for real. This video almost made me an Athiest.

until I realized that the real truth is HAMMER is the anti Christ.

Lets Try this again...

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 03:33:00 +0000

I have been terrible at blogging.

Its easy when I can recount funny incidents that happen but with all that has been going on in my life I have really not felt much like being funny, so when I go to write about my true thoughts and feelings I only get so far and then I stop.
I guess a certain part of me is scared to put all of what I am feeling out for the world to see.
I don’t want to open myself up to other people’s opinion on what I have personally experienced because I don’t want the judgment and recriminations that at some point are bound to come along with it.

Im afraid that I might just turn out to be weird, that it could be “just me” that is experience these changes, this life, this overall “ehh” feeling Ive experienced since hitting 30.

I don’t want people to randomly throw out “solutions” that on paper sound so easy but in real life will never actually work.

But at the same time, I do want those very same things. I want to share all of the emotions that I experienced going back to my college after 10 years and seeing people that I had such bittersweet memories about.
I want to share how I feel like going into management was a terrible career move for me and how I feel trapped on a daily basis when I walk in my job, but at the same time how I feel when I have coached my employee to success or helped them move on to the next step in their careers. The joy I felt when the one and only employee I have had to fire, called me when he got his new job to say. “You were right, and I appreciate all the advice you gave me”.

I want to share my frustrations with not being “super mom” and the shame I feel at how often my daughter actually eats chicken nuggets for dinner and the 2 times I Forgot to comb her hair. I want to share the pride I felt when she brought her report card home with all “A’s” or her playing drums in the PTA program, and when she made her first tumbling pass.

So its time for me to get past this and get to what I love and that’s writing. So here’s to more consistency on this blog.

Return of Friday Foolishness

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 03:03:00 +0000

So today, was one of those days. I got off work late Wednesday night, which meant I had to eat late, which meant I got in bed, late and so on and so on.
On top of that, this is my daughters "off" hair week and that means her hair has been my responsibility.

On a side note she tries to be brave when I am forced to do her hair. She looked at the ponytails and shook her head, “mommy, you tried your best that’s all that matters”…..

So doing her hair has the UPSIDE of me getting up and seeing her off to school. But the flip side it means that I had to get up at 6 after not making it home till a little past midnight.

And then I ate and as a diabetic, eating late regardless of what it is ( I ate roasted potatoes, baked chicken and broccoli that I had time to cook on my break but not eat) still causes my blood sugar to spike during the night.
Which makes getting up hella hard.

I am sluggish, my head hurts, im cranky, and stomach is all a rumble but I keep a brave face for Miya.

I also had to be back at work at 10 AM for a webinar on “the power of positive communication”.

As you can imagine, I wasn’t feeling all that Positive about it.

I make the unwise decision to try and sneak in an hour and a half of additional “rest” after the hubby leaves to drop the kiddie off at school.

So of course, I oversleep. I wake at 9:30 and have to shower, brush my teeth. It happens to be a special casual day so I am able to throw on the first wrinkled shirt and pair of jeans that I find that aren’t in the dirty pile.
They are not folded up and put up with the rest of the pile either….
But I cant remember the last time I wore them so they must be good.

I look at the clock and its already 9:52. I have moved and its about 13 minutes away. I hate walking into a meeting late. I grab a SOBE Life water and Ritz crackerful to snack on in class.

I speed down the highway, pull into the first spot available. Of course as I am rushing out the door of the car, my purse which I forgot to close falls open and my very expensive blood sugar pills roll under the car. I set my purse and key son the trunk of the car and prepare to get in position.

I have to practically lay flat on the ground and crawl under the car to get it.

I finally reach it and get up to find all kind of shyt all over my shirt and pants.

F!ck. nothing I can do really. I grab a wet wipe and try to dust off what I can as I grab my purse and run into the building. I make it to the meeting 15 minutes late and to my surprise there is only 2 other people present (beside the presenter) so at least I get brownie points for showing up!!

I sit in class for 1.5 hours listening to how to best improve my communication skills. I learned that instead of saying ‘NO”.

I sould say what I can do or use “wish and simply” so instead of saying. Hell Naw.
I can say
I wish I could but I simply cant do shyt for you today.

That does have a nice ring to it. Anyway. I get back to my desk and find a bunch of BULL SHYT emails. Lost keys, parked in the wrong parking lot, safety bingo. I clear all that shyt out and try to mentally get it together.
I scramble through the rest of the day barely holding on.

When it was time for me to roll out on my split shift I was so READY to go.
I mean I was at my car at 5:00.

Only to find out. I didn’t have my freaking keys.

I look everywhere. The training room, my desk. The bathrooms, the break rooms. EVERYWHERE. Im in a full panic now. WHERE THE F!ck are my keys.

Vaguely in the back of my head I remember reading an email. I hurry back to my desk and restore my deleted items.

There at 11:06 A. M. there is a report of keys found on the trunk of a car in the parking lot. Report to the front desk to claim… prior to 5pm.

BULL
And SHYT
I aint had my keys ALL DAYUM DAY!

So I have to hunt down the security guard that I have found staring at my booty once or twice and Shakira him with my hips to get him to get my keys from the front desk since the doors lock automatically.

I think he is probably going to be looking for me when I get off tonight. I have charged my illegal stun gun up at my desk just in case.

I finally get the keys and leave.

I should a called in.

Is it a crime? (No Sade)

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 03:14:00 +0000

So yall its been a minute for me.
Ive been going through so much t hese last few months. I need to start channeling these feelings through my writing, but I tend to use writing as an escape mechanism a way to get away from all that burdens me, but these last couple of months have been filled with death. My aunts passing, my cousin’s near death experience from which she is still tetertotalling on the edge. The beginning of the Jesse Dobson trial, pressures from work, financial stress, just a whole lot.
And then Bishop extra juicy, if aint tight it aint right, Eddie Long happened.

And today I feel like writing about it.
Now im not here to discuss guilt or innocence; well not necessarily. But the whole thing in general.
I stated earlier on VSB that I didn’t think it would even be an issue if these were women.

Some felt like my comment had no merit, that true or not comparing the two did no one justice and I can understand and respect that opinion.
My point with making that statement is just that.. the Men are considered VICTIMS in case where at this time there are no alleged legal wrongdoing. They are considered VICTIMS because of the way society views homosexuality, basically because Eddie Long forced something unnatural and evil upon them and therefore garner immediate sympathy.

IM not saying that what he is accused of isn’t morally reprehensible but there is a lot of immoral shyt going on that wont get you locked up and to this point wouldn’t get you sued for a million dollars

I know how sexual predators work, I know about grooming, etc.

I am in agreement that the laws governing relationships in which one party is not only older, but wields a certain amount of power that could influence the ‘consent” given need to be tighter and strictly enforced.

That being said, I do struggle with viewing these boys as victims at this time. . Bishop Long is as unsympathetic as they come making it easy to villainize him.
But something about BOTH SIDES OF THIS CASE just don’t

Curl all the way over..

Like his extra juicy toupee

Its easy to say “HE DID IT” and move on. But the implications of this case are FAR reaching outside of the pulpit which mean we really need to make sure we look at this case from all sides.

Why, you ask? Because this is a CIVIL case and in a civil case the end goal is money.
Plain and simple. Disagree? Check the PDF
And I am not of the mindset that a MORAL wrong can be righted by any amount of money.
PLus they arent asking for him to be removed, to step down, terminated etc... just monetary compensation

I am feeling really some kind of way about it overall and im not even touching on the whole hypocrisy, idolatry, homophobia of it all… Maybe I would feel differently if it were a criminal pursuit, Infact I know I would. Maybe Im disheartened by seeing so many go through the public humilation of a criminal trial that I feel this an "easy" way out.
So yes at this point I am not feeling much sympathy for the accused or the accusers…

Not now.

I need more facts.

And yes if it were my son that was in this position I would feel differently but I would also feel the same if it were my son in bishop long’s spot…

Im conflicted, confused and a little upset at my lack of sympathy at this point.. but
It is what it is…

Anyway I know many disagree

Friday foolishness... melancholy edition

noreply@blogger.com (Shay-d-lady Johnson) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 03:07:00 +0000

Today my heart is heavy.

My cousin, who has been struggling with a cornucopia of health and mental issues recently, is not doing so well. She is facing death and she is barely 39 years old.

So instead of dwelling on her current state I will recall some of my most foolish moments of her and pray for God’s will and that God’s will returns my cousin to me, as vibrant as ever.

1. When I was about 10 years old, my cousin tried to talk me into getting in the car with her while she “borrowed” the keys to my aunts car. My mother had, by this point, well prepped me against being a “send out” and I knew not to be a part. So despite the cruel, “you an old cry baby ass chicken” taunts, I declined the invite. Suffice to say once the grown ups realized the car had been “borrowed”, the SHYT hit the fan. They pulled up just in time to save me from being beat down by all 3 of my aunts for being unable “to tell them a gotdayum thang”.

2. Once while we were at KFC my cousin ordered a chicken strip meal. Once she received her meal, she realized that her chicken strips weren’t up to par. According to her they weren’t as “juicy” or as large as they normally were when she ordered them previously. She took them back to the counter where the lady behind the counter rudely sighed and asked “what do you want me to do?” My cuz told her “I want you to provide me with more acceptable chicken strips”. The lady snatched the bag from my cuz, went to the back to get her some more strips and slapped the bag back on the counter “is that better?” My cuz took her strips and we got in the car. Right when I was commenting on what a good job she’d done by not going off, she zipped in front of a car in drive thru reached into the backseat for the bat she carries with her and beat on the drivethru window. She tells the lady at the window to send the “front counter biatch” to the door…. “Ho you better be lucky I gotta go back to work cause you almost got you ass beat the f!ck DOWN over some gotdayum chicken strips” …..

3. and When she threw her oldest son a graduation/birthday party last year. It was my dayum near thirty year old cuz that showed them the proper way to get it in to “there’s some ho’s in this house” and if you see them? She showed them how to point’em out while percolating into the most ungainly something like a split I have ever seen in my life.

Anyway

I am praying for the strength to once again, and much much sooner than I ever expected or needed, to be someone else’s.